“The Damndest thing”

I was patrolling a suburban area on the eastern side of US RT 1 (The One for you Californians).
George’s Place, you know, the little farm of the first President, is in the area.
Mt Vernon
It was around 02:00 hours when I received a call for a possible ‘break-in’ at an elementary school.
These were usually BS, wind rattled a window, some kid ‘egged’ the building, but it was rare to have an actual ‘B&E’ with an alarm.

This school was in a wealthy bucolic neighborhood along the Potomac River, it was bordered by the southern brick wall of Mt Vernon Plantation.
I was thinking it would probably be a nice walk around the school, then I’ll catch up on paperwork in the parking lot, just in case. No fuss, no muss…

I pulled up beside another ‘LTD Crown Vic’, except this one was white, and it had yellow lights.
County School Security…
Crap, I’ve got to deal with ‘Barney Fife’ too…
I exited my cruiser and the school security officer sprang from his vehicle.
Our uniforms differed in color, and he didn’t have a fire arm was the only real difference.
That and he looked like ‘Pop-n-Fresh’…
The Pillsbury ‘Dough-Boy’…
He was so damn excited to see me, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had wet himself out of excitement.

Great…
Just great…
“How are you doing this evening Officer ‘Fife’ is it?” (Not his real name)
“Yes Sir! Are they sending the dogs?” He responded
“Whoa there skipper… Before we ‘wake up’ a Sergeant or Lieutenant for no good reason, how about we assess the situation?”
He puffed up and began a ‘report’
“At approximately 01:00, I responded to an alarm at”
“Skip to the part wherein I was summoned Skippy.” I interrupted
“Oh, well I found a broken window…”
Great…
Just great…
“How about we see if we can determine why the window is broken?” I suggested
“Lead on my good man…” as I motioned for him to go.

About halfway around the building we found a broken window, obviously broken from the exterior, and I could see clear footprints in the broken glass…

Great…
Just great…

I get to search a building with ‘Barney Fife’ as backup, except he doesn’t even have a ‘bullet’…
This is going to be ‘fun’…
“I told them to send a ‘dog’…” he said quietly…
Just then, my brain said ‘Click’…

“Do you have keys to the school perchance?”
Yes, I talk like that…
“Well, yeah…” he said
“Even the office?” I queried
“Even the office, the whole building…” he said…
I had him open the front door, the office, and then the ‘PA’ room.
Back in the ‘olden days’ most schools had a ‘PA’ system that consisted of a big 2 way speaker above the chalkboard in every classroom.
It was used for general announcements, or it could be used to have a 2 way conversation with the classroom.
I fired it up….
I turned to the security guard and said “When I give you the signal, ‘Key’ the mic..” Pointing to the large microphone sitting in front of the console with a large grey button on the base
“Then kill it when I do this…” I made the ‘throat cut’ sign.
He nodded…
I gave him the queue..
He hit the transmit button…
I began ‘barking’ for all I was worth…
Since a small child, one of my primary ‘parlor tricks’ was barking like a dog…
I could do a ‘yap-yap’ as my father called them, a small dog, or by putting my hands around my mouth, I could do a large vicious sounding dog.
I can drive real dogs crazy…
I stopped and yelled “Dammit! Keep that animal under control!!!
He’s going to get his ‘bite’!!!”
I began furiously barking again and gave him the ‘cut’ signal…
I then approached the mic
“Attention in the building…
This is Officer Big’un of the Fairfax County Police Dept…
We will release the K-9, 15 seconds from the end of this announcement…”
Click…
I walked out into the main hallway in front of the ‘Office’.
I began to bark as viciously and loud as I could…
The security guard was just behind me on my left…
We then heard ‘running’, the only lights that were on, were in the office.
Then we heard “Don’t do it!! PLEASE DON’T!!!”
A man was running towards me…
I stepped back with my right foot, so that I was at a 45 degree angle…
I was preparing to draw my weapon…
I placed my right hand on my revolver, I forcefully announced “Hands UP! ON THE GROUND!!”
He threw his hands up, something was tossed by the movement of his hands going above his head.
I was watching only him. Therefore I didn’t see what he threw down.
He hit his knees, hands in the air, and his momentum caused him to slide a bit.
“ON YOUR GOD DAMMED FACE!”
I said ‘gently’
He complied, I approached him, as I was walking up, I announced
“Arms out, palms up, like you are flying away from this bullshit!”
He did as told, I holstered my weapon, placed my knee on his back, and I snatched up his right arm in a compliance hold.
I proceeded to search him.
I whispered “if you’ve got a weapon, tell me now.”
“No man… I ain’t got shit now… please, PLEASE don’t let the dog get me!!”
“Are you alone?”
“Yeah man, it just me in here.”

I completed my search, cuffed him, and lifted him to his feet.
I then walked him out, and put him in the back seat of my cruiser…
I was making sure he was secure and his legs weren’t in the way when he whispered to me
“Where’s the dog?!?”
I smiled and said “You were being so good… I sent him away…”
He smiled at me and said
“Man!! You all right!!!”

The school security guard approached me.
He had ‘secured the building’, and would wait until school maintenance arrived to repair the window.
He then presented me with a ‘big ass knife’ that used to be known as a ‘Rambo’ knife…
That’s what the perp threw out of his hand in the hallway.
Luckily for him I didn’t see it in his hand, I most likely would have shot him.
“Can I tell you something Officer Big’un?”
“What’s that?” I said
“That’s the damndest thing I believe I’ve ever seen.”